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Friends share their lives with each other. You swap stories, laugh at silly jokes, and discuss tough issues. Whether it’s before death or after, no issue is tougher than grief. “Close
friends can make the critical difference in our coping with grief,” writes Judy Tatelbaum in “The Courage to Grieve.”

You want to help your friend, but may not know how to go about it. Where do you start?

Helen Fitzgerald, Training Director of the American Hospice Foundation, thinks you start with preparation. You review your own grief experiences and how you felt at the time. You also become familiar with the grief process [including anticipatory grief]. “Helping a bereaved friend is hard work,” says Fitzgerald, so you need to pace yourself.

Now on to the “tried and true” suggestions.

BE DECISIVE. “One of the mistakes we make is asking people in deep grief how we can help them,” notes David Kessler, Director of Palliative Care for Citrus Valley Health Partners in the Los Angeles area. But your friend may be so lost in sorrow that he or she doesn’t know what is needed. Kessler’s solution is to “step in and help.”

BE PRACTICAL. Offer to help with daily tasks, such as watering plants, mailing a package, and buying pet food. You may also offer to grocery shop, baby-sit kids, make phone calls, and prepare meals. Appetite wanes when someone is grieving so if you prepare meals fix plain food and package small servings in freezer cartons or bags. Label all cartons.

BE AVAILABLE. Because your friend is stressed and preoccupied you will have to spell out the ground rules. “Call me before 8 a.m.” “Email me any time.” “I’ll be the car pool driver next week.” Write these things on a sticky note and put it on your friend’s refrigerator. Remind your friend of these arrangements.

BE ACCURATE. When you’re helping a grieving person it’s important to “use the correct language,” according to Helen Fitzgerald of the American Hospice Association. Fitzgerald says you should avoid the word “passed” when speaking of post-death grief and use the word “died.” With anticipatory grief you may use words such as “close to the end,” “near death,” and “dying.”

BE A LISTENER. The National Mental Health Association says you help a grieving person by encouraging them to talk about their feelings of loss. The gift of listening will help your friend to ventilate, identify feelings, and see things more clearly. Ask prompting questions to help your friend reminisce about his or her dying loved one. Your listening may also serve as a reality check.

BE PATIENT. It may take a long time for your friend to come to terms with reality and impending loss. That’s why the National Mental Health Association says you need to be patient. You may hear the same stories over and over again and that’s okay. Obviously your friend needs to tell these stories and he or she has chosen you.

BE ACCEPTING. Bettyclare Moffatt writes about accepting friends in her book, “Soulwork.” There was a time when Moffatt got caught up in a “pity party” and cried uncontrollably over her losses. Though Moffatt expected rejection from her friends their reaction was the opposite. “They took me just as I was,” Moffatt writes. You may do the same for your dear friend.

BE SOCIAL. Your friend may be in so much pain that he or she pulls back from social contacts. Isolation is no friend of grief. Social contacts help your friend to stay in touch with the world. Chances are your friend doesn’t want to keep all social contacts, but you can encourage him or her to keep a few. Arrange to attend events together and provide transportation.

BE HONEST. If you think your friend is depressed or needs professional help, be honest and say that. “Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone,” advises the National Mental Healh Association. You may offer to get information on support groups and bereavement counselors.

According to an old saying, “A friend in need is a friend in deed.” Your friend needs you now. Still, you need to be aware of your needs and take care of yourself. You want to be ready for the day when you and your friend swap stories, laugh at silly jokes, and celebrate life together.

Copyright 2005 by Harriet Hodgson

http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been a nonfiction writer for 27 years and is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD is available from http://www.amazon.com A five-star review of the book is also posted on Amazon.

You should be smart today to check up if you have a super bargain or if you don’t with the merchant bank that offers you a credit loan. Investigate to see if the bank who is willing to give you a money loan is respectable. Lots of of the moneylenders wil show you a rate that looks upright but doesn’t feel comfortably or so after some time. A moneylender in Glenview Illinois or so can have a total totally different actual interest rate for a 12500 dollar loan then a bank in Arvada Colorado and that makes a big clear difference in your monthly pay backs.

The Dutch translation means: Woon je in Loenen of Marum en heeft u BKR notering. Lenen met zonder BKR is nog nooit zo eenvoudig geweest. Haal snel een nieuwe auto met lenen zonder bkr registratie, 308382 euro is geen enkel probleem om te lenen. Van Lemsterland tot Eemnes, financieren met zonder BKR is altijd mogelijk.

That’s the reason why now you really need to check over and watch if you can have a loan at a good percent loan rate. It makes no difference if you live in Lewiston Maine or in Indio California a respectable online investigation will preserve you often a lot of inconvenience. At present you can check rates quickly on the internet and determine if there are other sneaky conditions you should be aware of. 16.2 percent rate of interest may seem so comely but will that be immutable after you’re going to return your money loan.

Ever since mankind could ask the serious questions, he has pondered what makes the human mind tick? Why do we think the things we do? And thus philosophy has been able to capture the imagination in countless hours of thought.

Recently I met a young man and comments were very interesting indeed. He made a very telling statement after giving many excellent examples and a set of questions and observations worthy of merit about how the brain was able to do the things it does. And after pondering this all he admitted this to me in a brief statement when he wrote:

“It is something that has motivated me to completely change my plans for the future.”

That is a powerful statement not only have philosophers throughout time spent many hours wrestling with all these thoughts, this gentleman of college age has decided to change his life plans and search for the answers. Powerful indeed; so I asked him;

“In what way have you changed your plans? Are indicating that you have a feeling that you should be doing something else with your life experience? And if so does it involve your interests of the human brain or mind? What might your line of study or research be leaning towards?”

He exclaimed “oh yes all this and more!” So I ask you all; What is it with Mankind’s Fascination with the Human Mind? It is rather intriguing indeed. So think on this in 2006.

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

Introduction

Developing healthy peer relationships is critical for the normal development of a child. Peer relationships have been found to be an important predictor of positive adult adjustment and behavior. Difficulty in finding friends leads to feelings of low self-esteem and these feelings usually continue into adulthood.

Children with poor social skills are at risk for delinquency, academic underachievement, and school drop out. Even though the inattentiveness, impulsiveness, and restlessness frequently persist into adult life, these problems are of less importance as the child gets older. Rather, the main difficulty ADHD patients encounter as they reach maturity is their inability to interact appropriately with others.

ADHD children often lack the social skills that are essential to success in life. These children can be socially inept, and their lack of interpersonal skills may cause them a multitude of difficulties. In addition, positive relationships with friends in childhood provide a critical buffer against stress and help to protect against psychological and psychiatric problems. ADHD children lack these positive interactions and thus are at risk for a number of emotional problems.

Probably 60% of ADHD children suffer from peer rejection. ADHD children are less often chosen by peers to be best friends, partners in activities, or seatmates. As the children grow older, their social problems seem to get worse. Their inappropriate behavior leads to further social rejection and exacerbates their inability to relate to others appropriately. Long term these children are more likely to have difficulty finding and maintaining successful careers. This is not surprising since social aptitude can make or break careers and relationships in the adult world.

Causes of Poor Peer Relationships

ADHD children are frequently disliked or neglected by their peers. It is difficult to determine all the factors that make a child unpopular, but children who frequently display aggressive or negative behavior tend to be rejected by their peers.

Impulsivity and Aggression

ADHD children tend to be more impulsive and aggressive than other children. Teachers observe that the social interactions of ADHD children more often involve fighting and interrupting others. These children are more intense than others and behave inappropriately in social contexts. For example, ADHD children are more likely to yell, run around and talk at unsuitable times. They also tend to want to dominate play, engage in off task behaviors and engage more in teasing and physical jostling of peers. This sets up a process of peer rejection.

Academic Problems

ADHD children often do not do well in school. Poor school performance by itself does not result in social rejection. However, the way the child responds to his academic difficulties can contribute to inappropriate social behavior. Children who cannot engage themselves with classroom work assignments often disrupt and irritate their peers.

Inattention

ADHD children have difficulty with sustained attention. Deficit in attention seems to be related to peer rejection independently of the aggressive, impulsive, and hyperactive behaviors of ADHD children. These children become bored more easily than other children. As a result, they are more likely to become disruptive in the classroom.

ADHD children have difficulty in modulating their behavior and changing their conduct as the situation demands. They have apparent social-cognitive deficits that limit their ability to encode and recall rules of social cues. Children with ADHD pay less attention to others verbally in games and other activities.

Many ADHD children are aware that they are socially inept. Children who are anxious or fearful about peer relations are unlikely to behave in an effective manner. These children withdraw from peer interactions and, in this way, limit their ability to gain acceptance and friendship.

Children are rejected by peers when they appear to be different. Similarity fosters social acceptance. Because ADHD children do not learn social clues as well as other children, they tend to be viewed as strange.

Bad Behavior

One of the keys to your child’s social success is proper behavior. If your ADHD or ODD child frequently misbehaves, it is your obligation as a parent to teach your child how to improve his behavior.

If your child is aggressive or defiant, if he does not accept the authority of adults, or if he conducts himself in a such a way that children his age will view him as a behavior problem, then your child will have a difficult time making and maintaining friendships. The friends he will attract are other aggressive problem children, the type of child with whom which you would rather your child not associate.

All children need friends. Behavior problem children have trouble making friends with others, so these children tend to congregate together. They reinforce each other’s bad behavior. If you are an aware parent and you have control of your child you can put a stop to friendships with these children. However, you must have control of your child’s behavior in order to help him to avoid the trap of bad friends.

Conclusion

Helping children with ADHD build close peer relationships is an important goal to focus on, and is one that often may be over looked. You, as a parent, have the ability to help your child accomplish this important social goal. You should make every effort to help your child in this area. His psychological health and his happiness, both now and in the future, are very much dependent upon how successful he is at making and maintaining childhood friendships.

About The Author

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online programs dealing with ADHD (addadhdadvances.com/childyoulove.html) treatment, ODD, parenting issues (addadhdadvances.com/betterbehavior.html), and education. You may visit his website at http://addadhdadvances.com. To sign up for the free ADD ADHD Advances online journal send a blank email to: subscribe@addadhdadvances.com?subject=subscribeartcity

akane@addadhdadvances.com

This is story of a girl. A girl supposed to have a very soft heart. A very sensitive girl. Someone one could call as a compassionate person. I will tell you about how she acquired her pet , rather two pets.And how one was beaten by her father and the other was beaten dead by herself. Let me begin.

She had gone to visit one of her relatives many years back. They had a litter of puppies. This girl fell in love with one of them and brought him back with her, only to face the wrath of her father. She was ordered to take the puppy back. This was a big shock and she was in tears. She talked about this with her other pet. A man. Someone she treated as her own child. They both cried together and this man prayed that the father allows her to keep her puppy. Ultimately the father relented after two days and all was well.

One day some guests came to their home. The dog was tied and locked separately. But the dog wrongly thought that he was part of the family and wanted to mingle with the guests. The dog made a blunder by thinking like this. The family was not even of humans , nor of animals. Because even animals have compassion . These people belonged to some unknown cruel specie. True to character , the father took hold of the poor helpless dog and beat him blue. May Satan bless the father. Our girl of the story was heart broken after this. She could not believe that her father could behave so cruelly.

Next what? I told you in the beginning about a man, who was a pet of this girl. Do you recollect? Now was the turn of the girl. She made the man fall in total love with her and become totally dependent, emotionally. And one fine day, she started beating this man. Like the dog, this man was shocked and could not believe it. So he went to the girl again thinking of their love. He was beat up again. This continued till the man turned a lunatic and was killed in all the ways.

After reading this story, will you have any faith left in words such as love, loyalty, truth, honesty, etc? Beware of humans. They turn into beast. Befriend beasts. Because they always remain only beasts. They don’t turn into something else. They will never turn a person into a lunatic.

We place so much emphasis on trust! “I trusted him and he backstabbed me.” “She cannot be trusted.” Usually statements like these are uttered with very strong emotions. Then, from where does trust originate and why do we break each other’s trust? All our questions and observations on the matter make us realize the importance of trust, because the essential mechanism under all relationships must depend on trust.

Solitary individuals do not need trust. Maybe a person may trust the night to be dark only because of its repeating pattern, but this type of trust is not reciprocal. The night doesn’t need to trust the individual; it is just there. Trust only happens between two or more self-aware people, groups of people and also nations or groups of nations.

Gaining trust is a reward for responsible behavior and an indication of cooperation. It is said, “Trust is earned.” For trust to establish between people, recognition skills of behavioral patterns are needed. Trust goes hand in hand with cooperation and respect and is strengthened through the test of time. If it weren’t for respect and cooperation, how could we trust each other?

In human endeavors, even the most altruistic actions and nurturing behavior stem from the ego of the doer. A mother nurtures her child because her ego is stroked by the title of being a mother and she wants to be proud of the work she will do with that child. In return, a child faced with repeated patterns of nurturing develops a capacity for trust. Only, when trust is betrayed, recognition of the broken pattern and the acceptance of a new pattern take place. That is why children who have been wronged repeatedly lack the capacity to trust. The same goes for adults. If an adult has been repeatedly wronged and taken for a ride, say in financial matters, he is very careful with his money even where his best friends are concerned. From our comfort zone, our human mind and understanding makes us construct a defense against betrayal and defection from the norm. Once our trust is broken we take our steps with heightened awareness.

Unfortunately, developing a trust-relationship is the first step of various crimes. Gaining a victim’s trust, establishing credibility within an environment, and even creating a trustworthy environment can be the maneuverings of a perpetrator. Knowing this, why do we still trust so readily? The answer is again an egocentric one. We trust because without trust we could never get cooperation and reciprocity. We may not trust fully the way our towns work, yet we still put out our garbage on given days, try to keep our lawns and streets clean, and act our best in our own neighborhoods. In general, people who trust have better interpersonal relationships. People who don’t trust tend to be more angry, competitive, and resentful.

A betrayal of trust is difficult for most people to forgive, but people who can trust are more likely to give someone else a second chance. Sometimes we may be annoyed by a new friend for being on the reserved side, but we have to understand that each individual is so complex and has so many experiences, feelings, needs, opinions, etc. that he can’t possibly reveal all sides of himself to a new acquaintance. So, he plays a role or at least shows only parts of his real self. Why does he hide parts of himself? Why do we all? Probably because of fear of rejection and our own sensitivity or vulnerability.

>From what we see of each other, we form a concept of each other, which is usually incomplete and sometimes faulty. If we can recognize this in ourselves, we can empathize with others and form trustworthy relationships.

In general, most human interactions are based on a strong and almost blind trust. People who choose to trust tend to be happier, better liked by others, and more ethical than less trusting people. “I’ll trust them until they do me wrong” is a foundation for people who trust freely. When the stakes are raised higher, trust may be broken. Still, trusting people forgive readily as soon as they can understand the other person’s problems or what made them deviate from their normal pattern.

Trusting is another form of giving love, and like all giving, it comes from overflow. A person can hardly give from emptiness. We are happier when we deliberately choose to trust. Trust is a risk to take willingly because it makes people move toward love and away from fear. For that reason alone, trust is a defense in itself.

Chamonix ski resort is a unique place with the famous Mont Blanc as well as jagged glaciers. We enjoy going paragliding or from time to time taking the tourist train. I normally get a flight from Angel Fire and stay at a Chamonix self catered chalet for the duration of my holiday.

My family and I previously stayed in Wyndham Garden Atlanta Downtown but it never matched its description: The Wyndham Garden Atlanta Downtown is located approximately three blocks from Peachtree Center, one mile from Turner Field and Underground Atlanta, and 11 miles from Hartsfield International Airport. The hotel is also one mile from Georgia Dome and Phillips Arena, two miles from Bobby Dodd Stadium (Georgia Tech), 10 miles from Six Flags, and 15 miles from Stone Mountain. Hotel amenities include the cocktail lounge, casual restaurant, lobby convenience store, outdoor pool, spa tub, and complimentary use of an adjacent hotel’s 24-hour fitness room. The hotel also offers room service, concierge assistance, valet laundry service, a business center, a lobby fireplace, 24-hour front desk service, parking ($10 per night), and complimentary wireless Internet access throughout the hotel.

On the other hand in Chamonix village the self catered chalet is invariably brilliant. Moreover eating out in our favorite hotel restaurant, Companions Take Out, munching simple peanut butter cookies is a delight. Chamonix is a big enough place to make sure that there is lots for the tourist to do. With a museum and a range of terraced caf©s, Chamonix offers a mix of skiing, old town charm and shopping which few resorts can beat.

Our B&B is located in the the historic centre of Ravenna, a stone’s throw from Piazza del Popolo, Via Cavour and the Tomb of Dante, 150 meters from the Basilica dello spirito santo adjacent to the famous Battistero degli Ariani.

On foot, in a few minutes, you can reach all the city’s monuments, such as the Cathedral with the Battistero Neoniano, the complex of San Vitale and the Mausoleum of Galla Placidia, the Basilica of St. Apollinare Nuovo, the Domus dei Tappeti di Pietra,the Palace and the Mausoleum of Teodorico.

The house, which belonged to a well-known painter of Ravenna, has been completely renovated in 2006,keeping unaffected its charm with the splendid staircase, rooms with wooden beam and the court garden, formerly belonged to San Nicandro , one of the oldest churches in Ravenna, unfortunately, completely destroyed during World War II.

All double bedrooms with air conditioning and wooden floor, the second floor of the building, with wooden exposed beams. They are equipped with a large private bath with a whirlpool bath or shower. They are equipped with LCD TV 20 ‘complete with digital terrestrial and dvdx player.

All rooms are equipped with new linen and towels and hair dryer.
Free ADSL Internet point in reception hall.

We have a large hall where you can relax in the chaise-longue or comfortable couch listening to music or reading one of the many books the library

Le colazioni verranno servite in un apposito soggiorno dotato di televisore LCD 32′ o, stagione permettendo, nell’attiguo grazioso terrazzo, sempre accessibile agli ospiti il fiorito giardino interno, adorno di alberi e piante tipiche, dispone di tavoli e ombrelloni il sistema idrico della cucina è dotato di un nuovissimo impianto di depurazione ad acqua osmotizzata. The breakfast will be served in a special room with 32 LCD TV ‘or, season permitting, in the adjacent terrace ,moreover our guest can enjoy our court garden which has tables and sun umbrellas where our guest can sit and relax.

• Two bicycles are available for free
• there is a computer with ADSL, (free)
• there are two big parking areas near our B&B
• typical restaurants.
• Furthermore, in case of medical emergencies, are available (with ekstra fee)
a Dentist and an english speaking doctor.
• Our clients can have discounts at the Publishing House Angelo Longo,at the wine shop ,Clothing shop and at Hairdresser Eugenio.
• (On request)are available a washing machine and dryer machine.
• The owners love animals, so they will do everything to satisfy even your little friends.
• smoking is not allowed inside the B&B, our guests can smoke in the courtyard or balcony on the second floor.

If you are interested in a cheap hotel in Ravenna, pls visit our catalogue of Hotels all over Italy, where you can find also a wide range of Bed and Breakfast in Rome and Hotels in Florence, from cheap to luxury, togheter with Sorrento Tours

The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.

For other articles which you are free to use, see http://www.innerbonding.com

Title: Fear of Intimacy Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 701 Category: Relationships

Fear of Intimacy By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors - from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn’t know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others’ love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection - it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another’s demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

The Inner Bonding process we teach is a process designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another’s feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

You can start to learn the powerful Inner Bonding process now by downloading our Free Inner Bonding Course. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.

Transformational Counseling is a process of assisting others to transform their lives. Transformational Counseling is a process of assisting others in their reinventing themselves, of creating a life that they love and living it powerfully. Transformational Counseling is a process of creating a space for others to get present to or become aware of their self limiting belief, to create or invent a possibility for themselves and their life that could not have existed before and to learn how to be in their possibilities as opposed to being that which has always stopped them in the past.

The development of transformational counseling has been the result of my work in counseling, psychotherapy, coaching, hypnosis, neuro linguistic programming, the work of Louise Hay and especially Landmark Education. To understand and be able to utilize the technology of Transformational Counseling with others, of being able to make a true difference in another person’s life, requires that one understand or get certain concepts or distinctions about what it is to be a human being and reality itself. While the distinctions of Transformational Counseling are initially presented separately, it is in their practice or communication with another that a true synergy is reached and it’s potential or power actualized for the client. For the counselor as well as the client the synergistic learnings that take place within Transformational Counseling is nonlinear in nature.

The clients that I work with are all experiencing a loss of power, freedom and full self-expression in one or many of the various domains of their life. The clients that I see are all being stopped in living a life that they love and living it powerfully. If they continue being as they have been being nothing will change, life will be as it has always been. They will remain stuck and unable to reach their true potential in life. The clients that I coach or counsel know that something needs to be different in their life but are unsure of what that something is all about, of what is not working, of what is missing, of what needs to happen. It is in assisting a client to discover or become present to that which has been causing their depression, sadness, anger, frustration, etc. and to learn how to create a new way of being that the work of Transformational Counseling is all about.

One of the fundamental distinctions of Transformational Counseling is that our thoughts are very important, if not the most important component of what it is to be a human being. We tend to believe that the external world, or what we commonly believe to be reality, is that which is truly important. As a result of such a belief, we are constantly engaged in trying to change something in the external world, constantly believing that this type of activity will bring us true happiness and contentment in our life. Within Transformational Counseling, it is our thoughts or thinking that is of immense importance to us and our process of living. It is our thoughts and thinking patterns that literally shape or determine our feelings, behavior, experiences and our reality. More specifically, it is our thoughts that we have about ourselves that tends to create or shape our experiences, that forms the background of our life and our sense of reality. It is from the thoughts that we initially create about ourselves that we subsequently develop into a belief about who we think we are, our self-image, of how we define our very being and it is from this belief that we live our life. A belief is merely a thought that we think is true or real, that expresses some sense of ontology.

Inside the conversation of Transformational Counseling it is also important to understand that we are truly responsible for the thoughts that we have, including and especially those that we have about ourselves. We literally invent or create all of our thoughts including those that we have about ourselves and with them our feelings and behaviors. To truly get our responsibility in how we create our experiences or reality is to also get how we create or invent all of our thoughts about ourselves and with it our reality. Reality itself has no meaning outside of what we give it. We are, as human beings, meaning making machines, beings that wrap meaning around everything in our life, including and most importantly about ourselves. Being responsible for our thoughts, getting it that we create them, is completely different from the experience of guilt or blame. It is not that we are to blame for our experiences but merely that we do create what we think about ourselves, who we think we are, how we feel about ourselves and how the world appears to us. There is a distinction between responsibility and blame or guilt.

What we tend to think about ourselves has at its core what can be referred to as our self-limiting belief. The self-limiting belief is a thought that we have about who we think we are, that defines our identity at its core, a belief that was developed between the ages of three to six approximately. During this time frame in our journey through life something happened, an event took place and it is from that event that we developed or created a thought or belief about ourselves. The original event is not so much of importance as the fact that we created a belief about ourselves, a belief that has actually limited us in life. The self-limiting belief is a sense of inadequacy, an idea or thought that something is wrong with us, that something is broken. Once this self-limiting belief is created or invented we tend to live our lives as if it were true. Our self-limiting belief is a fundamental, core belief that we have about ourselves, about who we think we are, that creates our feelings about ourselves, affects our behavior and determines our experiences.

Our self-limiting belief affects our behavior in that we are constantly trying to fix it. For example, if ones self-limiting belief is that the individual is “not enough”, that person will constantly try to be “enough”, constantly be doing things to compensate for what or who they think they are. While an individual is constantly attempting to fix it, the self-limiting belief is also in the process of fulfilling upon itself, of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, of causing the person to be “not enough.” Given the fact that ones self-limiting belief is hidden from them, from their view, we are not aware of its existence or its affect on our life, of its influence or impact on our life. Even though it is not true, not real, we believe it to be so and as a result the self limiting belief is that which keeps us stuck, keeps us living in the past, prevents us from living a life that we love and living it powerfully. Our self-limiting belief is in a very real sense our personal affirmation, an affirmation that is embedded in our “self talk”, an affirmation that determines how we tend to feel about ourselves, an affirmation that guides and determines our behavior in life, that defines our very way of being and how we appear to the world.

Harry Henshaw, Ed.D., LMHC http://www.enhancedhealing.com